The Joy to Lead Podcast

Establishing a Culture of Trust & Improving Your Conversational Skills

April 30, 2020 Kaylan Thompson Episode 18
The Joy to Lead Podcast
Establishing a Culture of Trust & Improving Your Conversational Skills
Chapters
The Joy to Lead Podcast
Establishing a Culture of Trust & Improving Your Conversational Skills
Apr 30, 2020 Episode 18
Kaylan Thompson

One of the biggest fears I help each and every client first overcome is the fear of trusting others in their business.

So, how do you initiate a culture of trust? Culture is built on relationships, which are built on conversations. To create a culture of trust, you must establish a rapport of trust with your team.

Here are the 5 steps to creating trust through your conversations and building a culture of trust - one conversation at a time!

Shownotes can be found at www.joytolead.com/culture
Read Conversational Intelligence by Judith Glaser - https://amzn.to/3ba2W75 

Show Notes Transcript

One of the biggest fears I help each and every client first overcome is the fear of trusting others in their business.

So, how do you initiate a culture of trust? Culture is built on relationships, which are built on conversations. To create a culture of trust, you must establish a rapport of trust with your team.

Here are the 5 steps to creating trust through your conversations and building a culture of trust - one conversation at a time!

Shownotes can be found at www.joytolead.com/culture
Read Conversational Intelligence by Judith Glaser - https://amzn.to/3ba2W75 

speaker 0:   0:00
wait. I think we can all agree that growing our business alone is pretty dang hard. But here's the bright side way. Don't have to go. Welcome to the joy to lead podcast. Where were all about rising up the next generation of leaders and building teams of purpose and world change? My name is Carolyn Thompson, leadership and team building coach for entrepreneurs like you. Each week we meet with business leaders to bring you life giving strategies and encouragement to help you grow your team, scale your business and step into the leadership role that you were created for. So warm up that cup of coffee for the second or third time and let's dive into today's episode. Hi friend. So today's episode is brought to you by my free course. Give yourself a promotion. You've been solo hustling this thing way too long. I've got just the thing for you. If you are stuck in the solo hustle cycle, always striving to step out from under the weight of overwhelming your business and you need to invite consistent support. I got just the thing. I'd love to give you access to my free course. Give yourself a promotion in this five module course, you'll make a plan for the future of your business and career by stepping deeper into your strengths, mapping out your role to profitability, a CEO and mapping out a strategy to bring on your first hire. So if you are ready to give yourself a promotion and bring on support to help carry the weight in your business, head over to www dot joy to lead dot com Backslash Course. Put in your info and check your email. Make sure you check your spam because sometimes Gmail likes to stuff my emails into spam or junk. Come on Gmail. Get with the program and move that email over to your inbox. And once you d'oh, head inside and access the course, I can't wait to see you there. Hi, guys. Thank you for tuning into the joint elite podcast today. We're talking all about conversations and how to establish a culture of trust in your team. So when I work with clients, the number one thing that we usually work through first is there fear of hiring, which stems from Ah, fear of not being able to trust other people, and for them to trust you and this is huge, and I'm I want you to have a breakthrough in this as well. So in order to establish a culture of trust where trust and openness and honesty and being trustworthy, so not just trusting blindly but hiring and building a team of people who are trustworthy begins with in order to create that culture. It begins with relationships, and really, the heart of relationships is built on having conversations. So in order to build a culture of trust, you must have relationships built on trust that are built on conversations that foster and cultivate trust. Building a culture of trust first begins in the conversations that you have with your team members with your future hires when you're interviewing people and in the conversations that team members have with each other. So your culture of trust is built on the conversations that you have with team members and the conversations that they have with and amongst each other. So, yes, you don't necessarily have full control over how your team members interact with each other and what they say to and about each other. You can only control yourself and your leadership But here's the thing. Your example will absolutely have a ripple effect. Your team will learn by what you do. I think it was Michael Hyatt in the book Living Forward. Who said, Your team will not do what you say. They will do what you d'oh. So it's one thing to mentally, I think that you are infusing trust and openness and honesty and all your conversations that you are a trustworthy person. But it is your actions that will define those conversations built on trust, and it will initiate a ripple effect of trust amongst your team. So if you're active and intentional about having vulnerable, open, honest and honestly truth telling conversations, then you will establish a standard of honesty and trust in your team that they will uphold and that you can expect them to uphold. So what are the keys to doing that? So how do you have a trusting, an open conversations? I recently read a book called Conversational Intelligence by Judith Glasser, and this book was phenomenal. If you are wanting to have healthier relationships, um, whether or not you're leading a team or not, if you have any relationships that you love and hold dear to your heart with a spouse, a partner or friend. Um, parents, Children in your community. If you are a human being less connected to another human being, which is likely you unless you're living under a rock, you need to go read this book. It's so good. So she breaks down the components, the things that are standing in our way of having a thriving conversational intelligence and having conversations that are built on openness and trust. And so I want to break those down for you guys and kind of expand and add my thoughts to it as well, because it was just that good. So number one the first thing that we have to do, and we approach conversations that ah, need to foster trust if we wanted to foster trust through the conversations that we have, the first thing that we have to dio is simply understand that our world view is different than the world view of others. And I think we all kind of know this on a mental level. But it's really hard to know it in Nate Lee and in our hearts when we were in the moment, especially for having deep conversations where we are emotionally attached and involved in those conversations is really hard to separate ourselves logically and know that the other person is seeing things and interpreting things completely different than the way we are. People don't see what we see. They don't feel what we feel or even think what we think, because each individual's upbringing, their experience, their education, their friendships, their community, their faith, so many things an infinite number of things go into shaping the way that each person processes in understands reality. The way that you interpret your reality is not the way others may interpret. There's so when you're having a conversation with somebody are our main goal is usually to like express our stance, right. I want you to believe the thing that I believe I know I'm right and I'm going to tell you all the ways that I am right and try to convince you that I am right when there may be a huge disconnect in the way the other person is interpreting our words and the concept that we're trying to convey. So we're gonna get really deep here, you guys, because conversation is so deep. Just think about how many things go in to a conversation and the purpose of a conversation, too. Right? A conversation has a goal, and that goal is to get on the same page with somebody and then progress forward in a shared reality. Now that's deep, but it's not just to a speak and share a word. There is a meaning behind every word that we choose. There is a cognitive meeting, and there is an emotional meaning and probably spiritually and mental and physical meanings to There are so many meanings that we're filtering through the words that we say through our language. Just think of how much is missed and how much opportunity there is for miscommunication. Um, for example, example, Number one is any relation or any conversation that is emotionally charged with. I have. With my husband, we have very two different. We have two very different upbringings, two very different world views. We share similarities in some things, but 99% off the way we filter reality in the way we perceive Reality is different, and this arises in our conversations on a daily basis. He'll say something that I immediately take the wrong way, and he will take me taking that the wrong way in the wrong way, and it we just spiral out of control or vice versa. I'll say something that he takes the wrong way, and then I will get defensive. And it just all comes down to the fact that we're two people interpreting reality in different ways. So that's number one. Just simply understand that your world view is different than the world view of others. That's step number one. You don't necessarily have to believe and adopt the worldview of others. That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that you just need to be aware and to know that they see things differently than you do. It's so simple. Just that understanding will start to transform your conversations, because step Number two is to practice empathy. Simply practice putting on other shoes, put on the lens that they see the world. So if they have rose colored glasses, try putting those rose colored colored glasses on for a while. If there were wearing shades, put that on. You know what is So what's so crazy to me is that my daughter's really in tow, Winnie the Pooh lately and like so into it like we have Disney Plus and I just type in one of the poo and I play on repeat every other. There's like six or seven videos on their movies or whatever in some TV shows, and it's just constantly on replace. She loves Winnie the Pooh, and you know what's so inspiring is that there's so many different personalities. There's Rabbit who's kind of the type one on the anagram type a control freak, the very natural leader because they have a strong vision of the way things should be. Um, there's one of the poo is super optimistic and kind of easy going. Um, there's Tigger, who is kind of the way I see any. A gram seven, just all over the place, super stoked about life in general. And there's your and he's kind of depressed a little bit, but he he see things. He sees things in a completely different way than the rest of his friends, D'oh! And almost to the point where he's a little depressed all the time. But the thing that his friends d'oh is that they don't ever try and change him. They're just there to support him, and they understand that he sees and feels things differently. They all D'oh! Never, ever do any of these characters try enforce their world view or their perceptions on other people. I know that I'm like, really, um, Dr Filling Winnie the Pooh up, but it really hit me that yours is kind of depressed, depressed, unlike heavy feeling character. But he has always involved. He's always included, and his friends never try and change him. They just make a point to include him, to understand him and to accommodate him. That's the height of empathy is to understand in, accommodate and accept the worldview of others. Simply practice putting on someone else's shoes and just understand that they do see and feel things differently. The way that you can do this is to turn off the judgment side of your brain or the or the filter side, where you try to filter things through your worldview and understanding. But just listen deeply and just experience their words without trying to make sense of it, because when we try to make sense of something, it means that we're filtering it through the funnel of our experiences, and so we're kind of taking somebody's words and their thoughts and perceptions, and we're altering it through ours. And so the way to practice empathy is suggest. Listen, bi curious, ask questions and then just sit and feel the responses remain curious and open. In the number three. We were kind of progressing in a logical way is to ask discovery questions. So the point of conversation and it's true core is to first understand the perception, understanding off the other person first and then walk together to a new destination. So the point of conversation at its primal core is to get on the same page with somebody else and progress to a new reality to create a shared vision and start moving forward. In that way, it's highly connective, and but what we do too often is we think that we know the destination and we need to pull other people to that destination where the most productive type of conversation is where we simply try to understand. Where are they at? How are they perceiving things right now? How are they feeling right now? Our job is to paint as complete of a picture, Um, that we can to understand the full perception of the other person. It's a nearly impossible task because we can't simply feel every single thing. We can't live as they have lived through all their years that they've been on this Earth and perceive everything and have their complete, unique filter and understand everything that they're feeling and thinking. But we can ask questions, inquired, dig deeper and try to understand the best that we can. And once we get onto A onto the same page of this other person, then we can start discussing. Where do we go from here? What's our destination now that we feel like we have a shared starting point? Where do we want to progress together? It ISS conversation is so productive because it aligns people mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. It gets people on the same page super connective, and then it moves them to the same destination. Conversation aligns our mentalities. Conversation is what aligns those worldviews. It's so if we are separated from each other by worldview, emotions, different perceptions and experiences, conversation is the key to get us on the same page and the way that we do that is simply approach the conversation with curiosity, not pushing someone toward our determined destination. So change your interaction dynamic to first fully understanding the starting point of the other person, then working together to discover the way forward. So this makes space for better ideas to emerge because you're not just pushing someone toward your idea, which is heavily biased by your own biases and your own perceptions and your own interpretation of reality, and then your co creating a conversation together, which allows for a shared view of reality. So in the book Conversational Intelligence, Judith Class or describes Discovery questions as a question that is catalytic. So this sparks and ignites and pushes the needle forward together. So this is a quote from her, she says, that these questions open our minds to explore new avenues of thought with each other. They help us enter each other's worlds, navigate each other's thoughts and feelings, and open and harvest new insights and wisdom not yet explored by either person. So an example that she gives so she she gives three levels of questions. The 1st 1 is a level one, and it's kind of a statement that is offered in the form of a question. So it looks like this. Um, are you okay with, um, I'm gonna back up. So the the level one question looks like, Hey, Option A seems like the best path forward. Don't you think it implies your opinion. It plugs it into this question and kind of manipulates the other person to automatically agree, because what they don't want to do is be seen as your adversary. No one wants to enter into conversation being the antagonist. So more likely than not, they're going to just go with the flow and say yes, yes, that, of course, of course, that's that's good. And then a Level two question is a question that still implies your belief, um, and advocates your opinion and still kind of manipulates their their overall opinion as well. So it sounds like, um, option A seems like the best path path forward. What are your thoughts? So you're still asking for their thoughts, but you're also at the same time still setting your standard. You believe this is the best path forward. And if they have another idea, you are telling them that they are going to be the antagonist to what you believe. So it's not innate Lee, um, antagonistic or confrontational, but it's still not opening up the conversation. It's not creating the best opportunity for conversational collaboration. So the way that she describes a discovery question that is catalytic that opens and harvest new insight and wisdom not yet explored by either person sounds like this. Which option would produce the most desirable outcome? Option A or Option B? There is no implied opinion, but it starts the conversation. And that is not to say that you are never allowed to share your opinion. But this discovery question is the best way to level the playing field. Get everybody on the same page and then initiate conversation. So you start the conversation with this discovery question. The other person provides their opinion. Oh, I think Option A is the best for this reason this recent this reason, and then you can dig deeper into that. Oh, why do you think these reasons are important, or why is this a priority to you? And then you can start to understand where they're coming from and how they are perceiving understanding in decoding the situation and then you can start providing your insight to I think option B might be best for this reason, this reason in this reason. And then you guys can start to collaborate together and move forward together. So and then the last thing that Judith talks about in this book is that meaning resides with the listener and not the speaker. This concept was transform a Chinna LL to me because so often I've never been able to put this into words. I never knew that it was a thing. So whenever my husband and I are having ah heated discussion and I misinterpret what he says and it kind of catalyze is, ah, more emotional conversation. And then we realize, Hey, we were on different pages the whole time, and we trace it back to something that one of us says, um, for example, if he said something that I misunderstood, I might say, Hey, you weren't clear in this thing And he might say, Oh, well, you took it the wrong way. But truly, it is not my responsibility as the listener. Two decode that message. I accept the words that were said, and I filter it through my understanding and personality and perception and my reality to make meaning of what was said. I can't innate Lee, No, the perceptions and the filter through which the words came out, and I hope that's making sense. But when you listen to someone, you must draw on your own experience to pair their words, to repair your experience with their words. So you're filtering their words, the incoming message, through your perception of reality through that world view that we talked about earlier in order to create an interpret their meaning. This is like miss communiqu. Miscommunication happens far too often in all relationships. Ah, we as speakers don't take the time and the responsibility to make sure that our words are understood in the way that we intend before we continue to move forward. I do this all the time in the same. In the same instance, my husband and I will be having a deep conversation, and I'll say something that will trigger a reaction that in him that throws me off. And I'm like, Hey, I think you miss interpreted that what's going on? And too often, especially in these highly emotional conversations, thes conversations spiral out of control because we allow things to be misinterpreted without making sure that we're on the same page. So in order to have productive conversations, you would share your opinion, your idea. You would say the thing, and then you would make sure that that that your message ISS fully validated before moving on and make sure that the other person is truly on the same page, that they didn't misinterpret what you said and take it in a complete different way before you guys move on together. So this makes sure that you're taking a step forward and you're taking it together in the conversation. It just makes sure that nobody's straying off the path that you're walking forward together and no one's getting left behind. And it's our responsibility as the speaker off the message to make sure that our message is clear. To validate what we're saying. It is not the responsibility of the listener, so this helps each of us take ownership of what we're saying in a conversation, and so all these things and I'll summarize what we've been through. Um, I know this was a deep and, um, heavy conversation, but in order to produce a culture of trust. We have to produce conversations that foster trust and curiosity and openness. And to do that, we have to know that the other person with the other person has to know that we are accepting and welcoming and they're safe in a conversation with us. So to do that, we first have to understand that our world view is different from the world view of others. We need to start practicing empathy. We need to ask discovery questions and not manipulative or implied questions. And then we need to understand that meaning resides in the listener, not the speaker. And it is the speaker's responsibility to make sure that their message ISS fully validated and understood by the listener before we move on to our destination. So all this was, um, kind of derived from the book Conversational Intelligence by Judith Glasser. Highly recommend that you guys go take a listen a link it here in the description of the podcast as well as in the show notes. Um, and I've also paired my own interpretations as well to what she said, but I highly recommend that you guys go read that book. I listen to it on audiobook. Um, and I think I need to go listen to it again because it was so high level, but just so good and full of insane value. And I can immediately reply, apply to all of my conversations, starting with the conversations that I have with my husband and with those who are nearest in closest to me. So I hope you guys enjoyed this deep dive into conversations and establishing a culture of trust. Uh, in your team members. I will catch you in the next episode. Thanks for tuning into the jointly podcast. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a single episode. To access this episode, show notes. Head over to www dot joyfully dot com back slash podcasts to dive in If you love today's episode, I'd love it if you share it with a friend or, if you really loved it, gave the show a review. So things were tuning in. And remember, you already have everything you need to drive the courage and, most importantly, with joy, toe lead